Wednesday morning was tough. I got a call from the Lead Navy recruiting chaplain for the West Coast. He just wanted to fill me in on the process of our house sale (which according to our Realtor says we are once again at the mercy of the bank, but he thinks it could be in the next 6-8 weeks!!). In the process of our conversation I learned I had been given some misinformation about the Chaplain Candidate Program Officer requirements. I was originally told I had to be commissioned before the beginning of my final year in seminary in order to be eligible to be a CCPO. In fact, I have to be commissioned one calendar year before my graduation date - meaning May 15th instead of September of this year. So basically, in order to participate in the program which will give me an advantage in becoming a full time chaplain over people who are directly commissioned, our house has to sell and I have to be commissioned in the next 8 weeks. It seems to me like God has closed the door on my being a Chaplain Candidate. I still have the option to join after I graduate with my M.Div, and that is what I intend to do, but I have felt so defeated because I really want to do the CCPO program. I know God is calling
me to ministry, and I want to serve my country as a Navy Chaplain, but why has our house been such a thorn in my flesh? As I was on the phone with Chaplain DiPinto, I felt the Holy Spirit bring to my mind Psalm 37:4 (Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.) The desire of my heart is to be a Navy Chaplain, and I really want to be a CCPO, so I have been meditating on this verse over the last couple of days. Several questions popped in to my mind. The biggest one is, if I don't get commissoned by May 15, does that mean the Bible was wrong? If the desire of my heart is not met, did God lie?
Obviousy, I do not believe God is a liar. I know He is always faithful, but I am living into the tension (as Dr. Harper would say). So, this is what I have decided so far. If I don't do the CCPO, it is not because God did not fulfill the desire of my heart, but rather because the desire of my heart was on in accordance with his will. I have changed my prayer from "God, give me what I want" to "God, make me want what you are giving me." It has been a hard change, but I know this way I can say I am a servant of God, not someone who used God to get what I want. This way, anything that happens in not my will, but His. I am still praying for a miracle with the bank and I want a commission by May, but I have realized the CCPO program was my heads desire, and my new hearts desire has become my breath pray, "Let my desire be to do your will, O God."
Tonight, I had the opportunity to join my friends Danny and Brandon leading worship for the
Portland Rescue Mission's Harbor Program guys. My friend, Danny is a "Community Partnership Lead" there and is responsible for getting people together to lead worship at their various sites (along with a bunch of other stuff, to be sure). I really enjoyed it, but I got home late and I wanted to just spend some time together with Emily. When I walked in the door at 8:55, she was not downstairs. I was afraid one of the girls was still awake, because they sometimes fight sleep. I walked upstairs and tagged Emily out, and sat down on the bed with Brynn. Usually, I have better luck putting her to sleep, but tonight was not one of those times. She wiggled and squirmed, and nothing I did encouraged her to God to sleep. Then again in my mind I heard, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." My heart really wanted Brynn to go to sleep, so I prayed, "God, help her go to sleep." For ten minutes I prayed that prayer over and over, but to no avail, Brynn was still tossing and turning and trying to play with my beard instead of sleep. I felt myself getting angry and resentful with her. I knew feeling those emotions were contrary to the fruits of the Spirit (which I have been trying to cultivate more in my life,) so I thought, "Fine, I am going to count to 100, and if she is not asleep by then, I am just going to leave the room and figure something out later."
1,2,3..."God help".....25,26,27....Still squirming......59, 60, 61 (toss and turn) 88, 89, 90....she turns over and in my mind I think, if she tosses again, I am gone. 91, 92, 93, please God, let this be it, I need to know you answer prayer, 94, 95, 96, no movement, 97, 98, 99, 100. I still holding my breath and waiting for her to move, giving me an excuse to give up on her and Him (not forever mind you, but just tonight). She was asleep. I sat for about 5 minutes praising God in my heart. It was the sign I needed, He does answer prayers. I know many people who read this will think it was just a coincidence, but I know God spoke to me tonight. He has steeled my resolve to seek His will over my own, and to continue being patient, letting Him be the one who controls my will.
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